unexpected bridges and unnerving peace

hey friends,

i hope this week’s

longer-than-intended!-Story

makes you feel…

something

as always

and always

and always:

thank you

for reading

-SN

the story:

settings

the thick oak door

softened with age

and misuse

creaked itself closed

behind her

closing her

in with the walls

closing in

on her

she didn’t like the size of the room

the room felt sizable

but it didn’t feel like enough room

for all that it held

she looked around

at all of the decisions

surrounding her

every Major Life Decision

labeled above or beneath or around

a button or a lever or a dial

or a scale

some decisions were embedded in the weathered and cracked built-in shelving

some decisions were etched in the parquet floor near the scarred baseboards

a few conspicuous choices

towered at her eye level in the center of the room

like a grove of huddled skyscrapers

with internal lights glowing and fading

in and out

like a breath

on and off

like a heartbeat

waiting for her

this entire room

waited for her

to choose

to select

to decide

the settings

of her Life

with a sigh she started walking around

the not-that-small-but-

too-small-for-what-it-contained

room

of course she always knew

that the actual list

of one’s choices

in Life

was finite

but still

actually seeing the finiteness of it all

actually seeing the limitedness of her options

actually seeing that there is in fact an End

to what she can control

unnerved her on a level

that she had not prepared for

but she had prepared for

her time in that room

which was short:

one hour

that was the deal

that she made

with Them

one hour

to trial run

as many settings

as she could

and to review

the many simulations

of her Life

her watch sent her a haptic warning

that ten seconds had already passed

she got to work

she pulled out the single sheet

of folded physical paper

from her peacoat pocket

that was all the “prep”

that They allowed her to bring to the room

through some extremely questionable decisions

she obtained some guidance

from some dubious sources

about some of the locations

for some of the most impactful decisions

she quickly turned her

“Significant Romance” dial to The One Who Got Away

she hastily adjusted her

“Graduate Academy” lever to The School I Couldn’t Afford

she fumbled with the levels of her

“Health Regimen” to ensure Quality Sleep was well in the green

her watch pulsed a haptic reminder

that a full minute had passed

she glanced at her notes and then around the room

she spotted the “Run Simulation” button that matched her sketch

she crossed the room in three long strides

and used her right pinky finger

to depress the tiny patinated protrusion

that barely poked out of the splintered built-in bottommost shelf

and then she was in her other-version-life

rewound to seven years ago

to the first date that she had with her first new decision

and from there the simulation fast forwarded through

all of it

in a single minute

she regretted every mistake

cried every tear

kissed every version of her children’s foreheads

manifested a handful of nightmares

and a smattering of dreams

and then—

she was back in the room

and she was devastated

because things were better in some ways

and things were worse in some ways

things were altered in small ways

and unrecognizable in big ways

but

she was still her

and somehow that just—

she gave herself a moment

to mourn the End

of that Life

another moment passed

that she hadn’t allowed

and then another

until finally

she shook her head

to bring herself back

to this impossible opportunity

she looked at her notes

and then she changed her settings

to simulate her Plan B Life

her watch pulsed a haptic reminder

that a further two minutes had passed

she crawled to the minuscule button

and then she was in her another-version-life

rewound back to ten years ago

because in this Life-time

she had formed a union

with My First Love

and from there the simulation fast forwarded through

not as many years of living

as before

and then—

she doubled over in agony

sobs seeping into the parquet floor

her watch kept trying to remind her of the hour passing by

but she couldn’t quickly recover

from the loss

of so much joy

almost half of her time was up

before she pushed herself up

on weakened arms

and flipped her crinkled and damp paper

to the other side

Plan C

she took her time with the settings this time

by the time she dropped down

to her knees

to “Run Simulation”

another full five minutes had passed

and then she was in her yet-another-version-life

time rewound to the day

that she first met her husband

in her “real” Life

…

and from there the simulation fast forwarded through

the Life that she was on track to live

a long life in

a short minute later—

she felt numb

nothing surprised her that time

she had expected

all of the pain

all of the happiness

it was good

it was a good Life

so what was she doing

in this diabolical room

playing with things that she shouldn’t

attempting to optimize something that couldn’t

be optimized

or perfected

?

she sat on the floor

feeling time pulse by

against her left wrist’s pulse

a good Life

should be good enough

she debated leaving the room early…

but with only five minutes remaining

she scrambled to her feet

and then sprinted around the room

and fucked with everything

every button or lever

or dial or scale

or whatever

she pushed pulled

spun and altered

however

with a manic chuckle

and with her palms stacked

she slammed the stupid button

and then she was in a fucked-up-version-of-her-life

a totally unremarkable

but somehow fascinating

deeply fulfilling

but not that incredible

same-ish average

Life

BECAUSE SHE WAS STILL HER

and then—

with one minute left

of her hour in the room

she stared down at her crinkled plans and sketches

“so it doesn’t matter”

her watch vibrated each of the last five seconds

at 0:00:00

her watch’s alarm went off

and They walked in

smiling

“so?” They asked

“nothing” she whispered

They chuckled “they always have the same answer”

They guided her by the shoulders

out of the room

“nothing” she whispered again

and again to herself

as she faded away

and faded back

into her Life

…

Their ridiculously gilded and gorgeous ledger appeared

and in the column next to “Sarah Narei” They scribbled:

“settings changes: nothing”

the conversation:

the question:

do we make decisions or do decisions make us?

the curation:

• i’m a fan of “reality” tv, and The Bachelor(ette) franchise has always been one of my favorites. but watching Jenn during the season finale earlier this week left me wondering the same question as this article’s headline.

• ever wonder what it would be like to truly believe that magical and mystical forces are behind everything that happens in everyday life? omg, me too!! well, this book apparently gives an account of how folks in Europe during the Middle Ages went about seeking wizardly answers to mundane questions.

• i read this comic with a blank face because the battle between my laughter and my distress over the all-too-real and too-close-to-heart “joke” ended in a draw. so i looked emotionless while having like all of the emotions at once. jeez, it’s hilarious and so-not-funny at the same time.

the reading:

because who doesn’t want yet another book club, right?

so for the month of September, i humbly suggest that we read Gather by Kenneth M. Cadow. if industry accolades impress you, the novel is a 2023 National Book Award Finalist and a Michael L. Printz Honor Book. from the book’s blurb:

i have no idea yet how much i intend for us to engage with a book selection every month. should you send me your thoughts as you read it? should i share my thoughts with you in each letter during the month? spoiler-free reactions or spoiled rotten reviews? who knows?! we’ll find out what this reading circle/book club will become together. :)

but for this September, i think Gather sounds like it could mean something to some of us, so let’s read it!

the affirmation:

you are under no obligation to be content with the choices that you’ve made so far, and you are allowed to revel in the experience of senseless wanting.

the good stuff:

this week i’m starting a section where i give thanks and acknowledge people who are doing lovely things in the world.

choosing the first folks to feature here has been one of the easiest decisions i’ve made in this letter, and i’m sure i’ll feature them very often going forward.

John and Hank Green founded the Good Store a while back and more recently launched a line of tea and coffee. 100% of the Good Store’s profit goes to funding a maternal health center in Sierra Leone and other longterm projects with Partners in Health. buy some tea, some socks, or some soap from the Good Store and do some good!

whew!

we made it

to the end

of this week

and this letter!

thank you

for holding space for me

to imperfectly share with you.

-Sarah Narei